Tag Archives: Loneliness

Drunken thoughts after an unexpected email

I still miss him.

I still miss the smell of the skin on his neck,
The way he always laughed because I didn’t realise I was trying to breathe him in.

I still miss waiting for him to come over,
At the window, checking the street for his car.
The sound of the children excitedly calling his name,
jumping up to greet him like puppies.

I still miss our walks in the woods,
our weekends away from the world.
The two of us hiding behind the tent surreptitiously getting stoned,
and the four of us around the camp fire.

I still miss the way he always made me laugh just before I lost my temper.
I miss overhearing my baby telling him that she loved him,
understanding that he didn’t know how to reply,
and for that he needed to hear it all the more.

I still miss the feel of his skin and the sound of his voice.
The way we made love against the kitchen counter while the kettle boiled.

The look in his eyes.
my hands in his hair.
Him tracing patterns on my naked back as we lay exhausted and happy in my bed.

I still miss the assumption of our future,
the undiscussed plans in our minds.

I still miss us,
so in love we’d forgotten what loneliness could be,

I still miss not know that it had to end

I still miss not feeling the terror of losing myself again.

I still miss being able to love him without this aching nostalgia.

I still miss him
as I bleed slowly into this silence,
waiting for these tears to dry up.


So I’ve got this single mother thing wrapped up. I pay my bills on time, I own a car, (and it’s appropriately taxed and insured), I wash school uniforms, cook healthy food, and do the girls homework. Not to mention I’m in the final year of my degree, I spend time with friends, I date, I ring my elderly Aunt every so often to check she’s all right. I’m coping, I’m doing it…like a million other women out there.

But sometimes a good old wallow in self pity at the loneliness of it all does you good. I found this song and downloaded the album. It’s so heartbreakingly beautiful it’ll have to be reserved for the really bad days … Otherwise I’d probably just give it all up, let the kids eat cocopops in front of the TV and stay in bed drinking cheap wine and writing really bad poetry (a forte of mine)