Category Archives: dating

Drunken thoughts after an unexpected email

I still miss him.

I still miss the smell of the skin on his neck,
The way he always laughed because I didn’t realise I was trying to breathe him in.

I still miss waiting for him to come over,
At the window, checking the street for his car.
The sound of the children excitedly calling his name,
jumping up to greet him like puppies.

I still miss our walks in the woods,
our weekends away from the world.
The two of us hiding behind the tent surreptitiously getting stoned,
and the four of us around the camp fire.

I still miss the way he always made me laugh just before I lost my temper.
I miss overhearing my baby telling him that she loved him,
understanding that he didn’t know how to reply,
and for that he needed to hear it all the more.

I still miss the feel of his skin and the sound of his voice.
The way we made love against the kitchen counter while the kettle boiled.

The look in his eyes.
my hands in his hair.
Him tracing patterns on my naked back as we lay exhausted and happy in my bed.

I still miss the assumption of our future,
the undiscussed plans in our minds.

I still miss us,
so in love we’d forgotten what loneliness could be,

I still miss not know that it had to end

I still miss not feeling the terror of losing myself again.

I still miss being able to love him without this aching nostalgia.

I still miss him
as I bleed slowly into this silence,
waiting for these tears to dry up.


Hiding in other peoples stories

The evenings sometimes stretch out before me, an intimidating expanse of silence to fill. Being only recently single, I find myself with a need to lose (or maybe find) myself in other peoples stories. Both to fill the time and to recognise that being lonely and unsure in the world is a universal experience. For some reason I find myself too restless to read, despite my book shelves groaning under the weight of my ‘to be read’ collection. I have partly-read and quickly-abandoned books littered around the house… So many it makes picking up another seem pointless.

Most nights now find me falling asleep on the couch having watched films until my eyelids fall shut (which also has the added bonus of sleeping on the couch and not in my bed alone) It’s love stories that appeal to me at the moment. So if anyone stumbles upon this looking for good break up movies here’s two of my favourites at the moment.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) Dir – Michel Gondry

I’ve seen this film a few times over the years but it resonated deeply with me this time round. Although beautifully shot and intriguingly dreamlike to watch (more so on subsequent viewings) The story can feel achingly depressing if you hold a conventional view of love and relationships. The beauty I find in this film is that concept that love is an uncontrollable force of it own. It can’t be removed by canceling out memories, or artificially created by constructing experiences. Clementine (Winslet) and Joel (Carey), when meeting for the second time, cannot stop the relationship from developing even though they’ve had a clear and depressing foreshadowing of whats to come. Mary (Kirsten Dunst) doesn’t stop being in love with her married boss after wiping all memories of the relationship, and in contrast Patrick (Eilijh Wood) can’t make Clem fall in love with him by recreating experiences from her relationship with Joel. In short; love hurts and theres nothing that we can do about it, thats either depressing or liberating depending on your frame of mind.

In The Mood for Love (2000) Kar Wai Wong –

I love this film. Its so beautiful to watch and I’ve watched it numerous times. The cinematography, the set and costume design are so bewitching. In fact, the narrative is propelled more by this than the characters or their dialogue. The tale and characters are stick-figure simple but as a whole the film is intensely moody and frustratingly erotic. I followed this the other night by watching Blueberry nights by the same director and it totally missed the mark. Some of the same techniques are used, mainly the repetition of certain refrains or melodies during hypnotic slow motion camera shots. In Blueberry nights these scenes jump out at you and seem superimposed onto a poorly acted hollywood rom com. Whereas in In the mood for love it does this: *sigh*

Dating with children – The Beginning

I met someone. Someone with whom I can’t seem to spend enough time without being left unsatisfied and craving more. He comes over most nights; we eat together and talk and laugh and discover an endless list of things we have in common; books we’ve read, albums we loved, films we watched.

The evenings end in my bedroom, the opposite side of my bed filled with his warmth. We talk, our fingers tracing patterns on each other, until our voices are slow and thick with languor. The time comes again and again, a warm comforting sleep seeps into our entangled bodies. He has to leave. Our goodbye is drawn out, sighs and bleary eyed kisses at my front door, our bodies heavy with sleep and contentment. He leaves in the dark, his coat pulled up tight against the damp November night.

I return to bed, the scene of our brief moments of happiness. I sleep with the other side of my bed still warmed from his body, the scent of us still faintly in the air.

On-line dating

I have a love-hate relationship with online dating. On the one hand, Its a good way to meet interesting people that otherwise would never come into my life, and I’m grateful for the handful of men I’ve spent time with. On the other hand, its pretty addictive and time consuming, I often spend days chatting to people and get little else done. And some of the sleazy messages and photos depress me and make me wonder whether it really has come to this. I usually spend a few days on it… met someone interesting, delete my profile and then a few weeks later set up a new one. I’ve been stuck in this cycle for the past year and I’m not convinced its healthy for me but I keep doing it anyway, mainly through boredom, loneliness and naive optimism.

This time round I decided to write my profile with a specific, but slightly tongue in cheek, list of what I’m looking for. I was hoping it would cut down the amount if completely unsuitable messages I get. Here’s a portion of my profile:

“I’m a confident, ambitious, enthusiastic, passionate and positive person. I have a happy, busy life; filled with love, laughter, music, poetry, studying, and working in a job I love. I’ve recently got into photography (ok well, instagram – but that counts, right?)

So what am I doing on here? Well initially just looking for someone fun, interesting and intelligent to hang out with, have a laugh and enjoy each others company. If that turns into more, great, if not then it’ll be a blast either way! 🙂

The man I want to spend time with has a degree, a job, a car, a beard, a love of books and an interest in the world. Good witty, intelligent conversations is the main requirement, anything else is a bonus!

If you have a masters, play the guitar, write poetry, grow a decent beard, read books, and can make a decent coffee I may just swoon at your feet like a Victorian heroine but don’t let that put you off 🙂

Interests: Summer days, Winter nights, Strong coffee, Festivals, Radio 4, Staying up all night, Rummaging through charity shops, meeting interesting people”

This morning I awoke to possibly the best on-line introduction I’ve ever received:

“I apologise for sending you the same generic, copy and paste chat up line I send to everyone else but it did seem astonishingly applicable in this case.

So confident and ambitious, with enthusiasm abound
An air filled with laughter, that’s her favourite sound
A face so sweet and innocent, that’s her favourite look
I wish she’d hold me and read me, like her favourite book

Oh, SaucyCleverClogs, please don’t think I’m weird
If I glue hair on my face, for I can’t grow a beard
And I’m not a big reader, though I do play guitar
And I don’t live in [hometown], but I’m not all that far

I may not be the one, who’ll make you Victorian swoon
But you only need ask and I’ll fetch you the moon
Not literally of course, because that can’t be done
But figuratively I’ll get you that, the stars and the sun

I’ll make you a coffee and one for me too
And if you prefer, I’ll make you a brew
I’ll stay up all night, listening to Radio 4
And when I fall asleep, I’ll try not to snore

I’ll accompany you, while you rummage through shops
And if you steal from them, I won’t call the cops
Even though I generally disapprove, of acts of crime and theft
I’d have everything I need, if you were all I had left

Oh SaucyCleverClogs, I assure you I’m not weird
But I’m gluing hair on my face right now, I know you’ll love my beard!”

Unfortunately his profile was pretty uninspiring and I would have just deleted the message had he sent the usual bland, insipid introduction. If nothing else it brightened up a dull Wednesday morning. I suppose he deserves a message back…